Epiphany

I had a realization. I have a lot of anger, and hurt beneath it, tied up in this blog.  This is ridiculous!  And it's all of my own making.  I also get a lot of pleasure out of this blog, and it's a way to avoid a lot of things, and entertain myself, etc.  I love to catalog things and figure out systems (I'm an INTJ).  But the reason I am often angry and hurt when I think about this stuff is that I have always felt invalidated. So I recreate that feeling in the neurotic spin out that is a side effect of trying too hard to understand oneself.  The thing is, I understand myself incredibly well.  I just want you to see it.  And on one really does.  We are all self-absorbed.  I get that.  But I want you to see it, without taking away my independence.  I'm incredibly self-reliant. I'm also definitely my own authority (T4).  And then the next dilemma is this constant struggle between T2 and T4.  I totally get the theory and concept of choosing a dominant "type" and expressing it.  But whenever I choose one, the other part of me sulks.  So I think that problem right there is a longstanding dilemma that was there before all this. Tangentially, in reading Scaman's descriptions of two of the Winters, it hit me that Winters have a certain duplicity that I am guilty of.  They have a much more competent exterior than the interior they rarely reveal. Paraphrasing:  Bright Winter: a truly fascination combination; Winter's simple, serious stillness is pierced with Spring's fun-loving, carefree, happy warmth; the person searches for balance, but Winter's influence is usually stronger; the veneer strives for Spring's optimism, but the worried intense Winter interior swerves the person back towards their introspective side True Winter: the interior and exterior of this Season can seem thoroughly opposite; apparently assertive and unemotional, may feel uncertain or conflicted; reactions and opinions are all-or-nothing as their colors; fierce and floaty, heartless and vulnerable; oval and linear, at once; competitive, fair, disciplined to self-sacrified, seldom play victim role; carries themselves with distance, majesty, regal bearing; uncontained, expansive, tough and proud Summarized from Return to Your Natural Colors by Christine Scaman I am just not as "nice" as her descriptions of the Summers... though I don't think I'm all that regal as she describes True Winter. So I just got 12 years sober in AA this week, and anyway, it is a mystical program, in which we say "God as you understand Him."  Having taken that recent MBTI philosophy test, I confirmed I am quite metaphysical.  I believe in the mystical side, rather than fundamentalist side, of everything.  In fact, that idea got me thrown out of the FB T4 group!  Anyway, back to the AA idea of God.  Somewhere in the literature it says to create your own concept of God.  That irks me.  It's a distortion.  God as you understand God, is about having an experience of Him (her, it).  It does not mean you create the creator!  God is what God is, and we try to make contact.  By extension, we are what we are.  Any of the systems I explore on this site are an effort to make contact with the real self.  But we can't change it.  We are who we are, in all our complexities.  By coming to terms with our dominant qualities and expressing them in our dress, we accept ourselves and other do too - or so is the promise.  It hasn't happened for me yet.  But I think the trick is, first you have to accept yourself, yourself.

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Send me an email: janerekas@hotmail.com Jane Rekas, LCSW